Just when she thought she had it all figured out she noticed a million eyes watching her as she entered the building. Less than five minutes ago she heard a touching song on K-LOVE that inspired her to turn her life over to Christ and start anew. Her head held high, spirits souring at-least ten feet above her, nothing could bring her down today... Nothing. Well, nothing except every co-worker from every floor staring and snickering in her direction that is. Before long she felt embarrassed and completely vulnerable, could they see inside of her? Were they mocking her joy? Obviously they could not possibly know what she had just done, nor were they attempting to crush her sudden burst of spiritual enthusiasm. What they did see was the four feet of Charmin trailing behind her stuck in the waistband of her pantyhose. It wouldn’t be long before someone gently tapped her shoulder in the elevator informing her of her amusing appendage. Despite the fact that the source of the snickering eyes was revealed, the suit wearing confidant woman stood like a child, feeling defeated yet again. Forgetting about her earlier proclamation she went on about her day avoiding anyone she thought might remind her of the toilet tissue stalker.
How many of us have experienced something like this, where we have had some momentous transformation that is sure to change our life, until everything goes wrong? Until that one person we need support from is unavailable or even unsupportive. Until we believe God will take care of us and we are diagnosed with a terminal disease. Does discouragement always equal weakness or insubordination to the will of God? I suppose it can depending on the situation, but I have recently learned that it simply means we are human. Unfortunately human nature often means that we operate under the impression that when our lives are going well, everyone around us should be supportive or in the "same boat" so to speak. Finding peace within ourselves is by no means expecting too much, but expecting the world to follow suit is unrealistic at best. I have been in a situation more than once where a battle of wills has raged on between two parts within my own person. More specifically, where my heart is transforming in one way but my mind is not willing. I suppose the ultimate goal is to allow God to have control over every aspect of our bodies so that we are in sync at least with our own spiritual ambitions.
Fear of failure is not something that we are born with or acquire from a relationship with God, rather it is a result of a system of lies that we believe. Some might refer to it as a self fulfilling prophecy or a bad omen. However in the spiritual world it simply means that there is something or many something’s that we have been exposed to that lead us to believe certain things about ourselves. Unfortunately, recognizing that the lies exist are the easiest part, its replacing those lies with truth that requires real faith, understanding, and a willingness to change the way we think. I am far from having dealt with the castle of lies that binds me, but I have learned a valuable lesson. Not dealing with and facing those things that keep us from getting close to God means not getting close to God. That is a real problem for me because like any other Christian I believe my purpose in this life is to build an intimate relationship with my Savior. Not everyone has lies that keep them far from the spirit, but there are those of us that intrinsically believe that we are unworthy of such love and compassion from Christ. I have read scripture after scripture exclaiming that I am saved by the grace of God... but that does not mean I believe I deserve it.
The business woman confessed that Christ was her savior and decided in a moment that her life was going to change forever. She is not alone in that this sincere attempt at self renewal was squelched by unknowing onlookers in a matter of moments. In our society we are easily derailed by the things around us whether it be negative people, temptations, or our own beliefs. Allowing God to be the only voice that makes a difference is the only way any of us will ever make a lasting promise. Though, I have not figured out how to tune out the negative broadcasts or even look past temptation... my goal is to learn how to channel Gods voice in a way that supersedes everything else I may be told, hear, or see. Whether or not the toilet paper made her forget her recognition that Jesus is the savior, she still confessed it and God heard this confession. I was told by someone dear to me today that despite my deficiencies and inability to forgive my own mistakes, I am saved by the grace of God by my recognition that He is the only way. Consciously and even logically I have known this is true my entire spiritual life, but somehow I have equated His forgiveness with my inability to forgive myself.
There is a long road ahead of me and for many of you but one thing we can all be sure of is that this battle, war, misunderstanding whatever it might be, we are not and will never be facing it alone. The most terrible embarrassing moment, or deeply tragic event is never gone unseen by the Father who designed our lives such that we could experience all of those things which make us who we are. I may not understand my calling, or know how God is going to use me in this life, but before the time comes I hope to know who I am and be secure in that knowledge. Don't forget that there are no perfect people, that there is no perfect life and expecting that from yourself is like expecting cow manure to magically hold the value of a diamond. Just as each of us was born with defects we would hate for the world to know, we were also blessed with unique and beautiful gifts meant to be shared. I am certain you are loved and there is a plan for your life, what it is I have no way of knowing, where it will take you I have no idea. What I can promise is that whatever it is, is far better than anything you, or I, or anyone else could ever imagine.
If you are believing lies in your life that prevent you from finding peace with yourself or in your relationship with God I encourage you to ask your church about Theophostic Prayer Ministry. TPM, is specifically designed to aid you in replacing those lies with the freedom of truth through a specific spiritual process. If they do not offer it, suggest it. Though I do not have a full knowledge or understanding of it yet myself I invite and encourage you to join in my journey toward personal freedom.
God is good....All the time!
-Tamera
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